Ignore The Celebs: No to Detox Teas! (And to Dry January In General)

It’s that time of year again when we all start regretting the cheese, the booze, the lethargy and the overall gleeful gluttony of December. Remember December? Where many of us were filled with Christmas cheer (and dried fruit & booze in a sweet pastry crust). Aah, those were the days.

Now it’s time for ‘Dry January’. We’re all back to pre-ghost Ebeneezer mean gruel and gloom like we didn’t learn anything at all from the Muppets Christmas Carol. Why make the cold, bleak month of January any worse for yourself? It’s time that folks start punishing themselves for letting loose and enjoying themselves for a brief few weeks and embark of vigorous, ascetic life changes that would make an SAS trainee shudder.

The biggest criminal here, in my eyes, is ‘detox teas’. Full disclosure: I’ve never sampled the stuff, and never plan upon it. My news feed is a-cluttered with shots of pouting models and celebs sipping ‘detox teas’ in the bath and telling me that I can go buy a special offer set of it with their discount code. Goodness knows how much you have to pay someone who’s business is essentially looking sexy on social media to sell this stuff because we all know what it does, it just….


No amount of full-face make up selfies of celebs soaking in that bubble-filled tub with an evil-smelling brew that’s making your stomach gurgle is going to make me believe it’s a sexy drink to beat the bloat.

A screenshot from Google image search showing a small array of celebs with various detox teas.

Actually I think it’s pretty irresponsible. Believe me I do know that a stomach bug is the surest way to lose a lot of weight, fast: years ago I contracted Noro virus, and hobbled home from hospital after three transfusions with the flat-abbed, twiglet armed body of my 18 year old self back (and sadly the face of an 80 year old ghost). I was really skinny because my body was dehydrated and had no food in it any more. Yes, being unable to eat solids or walk for a few days meant I could fit into my old hotpants. But it wasn’t particularly good for my health.

Now I realise detox tea isn’t likely to put you in hospital, but a) my friend did sh*t herself in a shopping centre after drinking it and b) there are better ways to ‘detox’. Laxatives are a ridiculous way to lose weight – as Hartje discovered painfully on a shoot, wearing a white bikini after taking them to get skinny, quick – you’ll only feel slender for a day or two, plus you’re stressing your body out in a way you shouldn’t. Your body’s capable of detoxing itself, which is what many of our organs are there for. We can all feel a bit heavy sometimes, but simply by avoiding processed food for a week, stopping milky coffees for a bit, drinking more water/herbal tea and making a nice batch of soup to have for dinner we’ll feel a bit better. (And maybe putting a halt to methodically ploughing our way through the cheese and Christmas cake that’s left over from the festive period).

January is hard enough. It’s cold, we’re back to work and it’s ages til pay day – so let’s not make ourselves suffer unneccesarily. It’s fantastic to be filled with the resolution to be healthier, but let’s do it in a way that makes us happy, too.


  1. Frances wrote:

    Best article yet!

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