How to Look at the Victoria Secret Angels and not feel like Absolute S**t: A Guide.
So, the Victoria Secret Angels have rolled into London and are wafting about, bearing their peace signs, pouts and pertness.
This is wonderful timing, as it’s just as the rest of us have set about diligently adding on a festive layer of plumpness and vital insulation provided by our gloriously untended body hair, kept under wraps by 100 denier tights and jumpers over our pyjama tops. Don’t even deny it.
Perhaps I’m speaking for myself here, but it’s easy to look at them and feel more than a modicum of both jealousy and inferiority, especially when they are touted as having the sort of body to which we should all be aspiring to.
Victoria Secret faced a vicious backlash after these adverts seemed to suggest that these women have the perfect body: a body that’s basically only attainable to 0.00000000000000000000000000001% of the world’s population. It was pretty smug, elite and irresponsible. They changed the wording after petitions and widespread bad press…
I’d venture to say that I’m right, judging by the amount of vitriol pummelled at them from the press and people around me calling them out as unrepresentative of the average woman and giving us an depressingly unrealistic image to aim towards.
Well – that’s true. They are unrealistic. They are, to me, like a copse of startlingly, overwhelmingly giant (lengthways, not widthways) glittery Christmas trees, bedecked with sparkles and fairy wings, baubles and tassels. And I can’t really hate them, because, you know what? They seem to me as though they’re having a total hoot, and I can’t really hate on a bunch of women who radiate confidence and ebullience (although they really could work on the smugness).
Instead of merrily bitching about them and burying myself under a heap of low self-esteem caused by a deluge of images like the above picture, I like to remind myself of a few facts to entertain myself.
Feel free to join me in my guide to ‘not feeling like s**t every time Candice Swanepoel flashes her arse’:
1) Remember, the Victoria Secret girls were actually bred on a different planet*. Have you ever seen someone shaped that way manage to stay upright under a gust of wind? No, the VS girls are actually man-made aliens, crafted with Barbie plastic, Elnett and Mac Face & Body and nurtured on Wheatgrass and glitter.
* Not to be confused with those shapeshifting lizards The Illuminati, as The VS Angels’ only political motivation is to sell us a 3-pack of polka dot T shirt bras.
2) They must all have thrush. Have you ever been able to look beyond the boobs, the bums and Sophia Neophitou’s amazing styling? Victoria Secret underwear is actually awful. Total crap. I remember going to a shop in America, feeling really excited for some quality, sexy lingerie…and being let down by what was basically a Stateside La Senza.
Imagine those poor girls having to strut around in those chafing nylon thongs all day.
Victoria’s Secret? She spends 20% of her income on Canesten Duo.
3) You’ll never look like that. Seriously. I’m a model and I could most definitely never look like that, nor could most of my model mates. The VS Angels are, quite literally, a tiny handful of genetic freaks – the height, the faces, the metabolism and the body type – it’s just a biological fluke. They don’t have *the* body, but they do have a certain type of body – the type I enjoy watching walk down the catwalk, dressed as a motorcycle.
Plus these women are paid a lot to exercise a lot whilst not eating a lot. It’s their job. They have to walk down a catwalk under the harsh lights and the scrutiny of the world, many of whose residents are desperately searching for a millimetre or cellulite or an iota of bum-wobble. Plus they have to compare themselves to one another.
I don’t know about you, but I’d hate that sort of life and it’s not a realistic one for the rest of us anyway.
So release yourself from comparing yourself to Doutzen…
…And enjoy that Terry’s Chocolate orange, relishing the fact that – were one of the Angels permitted to be within 60 feet of one – they would only be allowed to smell the wrapper for 5 seconds and then forced to do 500 Sumo squats by a brutish personal trainer.
4) Lastly, be the best you can be. Stop feeling bad that you’ll never look like that and enjoy the fact that you look great anyway! Regular exercise (if you’re not into it, get on with some Pilates – it will change your bod), body brushing, healthy meals from scratch and a lot of water are the key to great health and a glowing appearance. If you indulge in all of these regularly, you’ll feel full of energy and beautiful on the inside – and it’ll show on the outside.
Plus I bet you have better underwear.